Le Secret Beninois

I learned a secret today. A high-level top secret direct from the Beninese government. I learned it from my boss who met in person with the Minister of the Interior (the Beninese version of Condoleezza Rice which means he’s black(er), nicer and doesn’t want you dead) and he told this me in the strictest confidence. He whispered to me, in the lobby of the Sun Beach Hotel, confident that the French Satellite TV blaring in the background would drown out his voice. The kicker is that I promised I wouldn’t tell anyone. Je te promets. Not a soul.

So I’m going to write all about it in my new shiny blog.

Here’s the deal: The POTUS is coming to Cotonou on February 15. This will most likely be Bush’s final whirlwind tour of the dark continent while still in office. His last hurrah. His African Bachelor party. His last at-bat. He’ll swoop in, take some photos with the locals, hold a swollen baby, drink some Baobab juice and call it a day.

Or not.

And here comes Kathryn’s Beninois bombshell: POTUS Bush isn’t even leaving the airport.

Ok, so this isn’t really a secret. It isn’t anything different. It’s standard protocol for the Bush Administration’s Secret Service. But I needed something with which to get your attention, and now that I have it, I’ll try to keep it.

Now the reason that 97% of you have never heard of Benin is because in our living history, it hasn’t been at war. We are talking about a peace-loving nation of 7,000,000 inhabitants who are working hard for economic and social development. These are people who gained independence in a conference room rather than on a battlefield. And for any Republicans out there (send me an email, I’d love to know who you are) trying to make up reasons why this place could be dangerous, there aren’t even many Muslims here mobilizing young vulnerable teens to join al-Qaeda cells. These people are animists. Let’s face it: any person who believes rocks have souls will not throw one at your head.

So why won’t Georgie leave the airport?

Cotonou poses a security threat. Direct quote from the Minister of the Interior. Of Benin. Not the US.

I have had an amazing day here. I have met with my NGO’s team who work tirelessly to ‘empower women and men to end their own hunger’. I have learned more today than I have in one year in the Global Office. I have eaten myself into frenzy in hopes that it’ll all go to my ass so that I can be as sexy as every single woman I have seen since I arrived here. I have sponged my way through Cotonou, soaking up every ounce of culture, beauty and kindness that I can, and this sponge is full for the day.

But why did so much of my time have to be taken up by the rage caused by my POTUS? Silly Kathryn, 7 years in and you’re still getting so upset? This stuff happens all the time. You sensitive little pansy.

Why did so much of my time go into figuring out what is dangerous about Cotonou?

Of course there is the cartoon cliché: death by falling coconut. Or death by motorbike (but even that isn’t probable. When I asked the country director how traffic worked in Cotonou-if you saw it you wouldn’t call me Brittany for asking such a dumb question- he said driving in Cotonou is all about diplomacy and negotiation. How is that for non-violent traffic?). You could also drown in the Atlantic. Most likely way to die in Cotonou: Explosive Diarrhea. Now I haven’t gotten it, although I am confident I will (anyone who has known me long enough since that Morocco trip knows my vulnerabilities AND why I am vegetarian) but I’m sure I won’t die from it.

But I guess for Bush, all of these factors, which together still make Benin less dangerous than Miami (haven’t yet seen a gun or a guido), are too much to risk. I won’t dwell on the fact that the reaction of the Beninese people is overwhelmingly positive (of course the truth that he isn’t leaving the airport won’t come out till he’s on a tarmac in Zimbabwe). They are proud and honored to have the President of the richest nation grace them with his presence. They are being told that he wants to bear witness to their success in becoming a (more) developed West African nation. To experience firsthand the warmth, the generosity. To be in “Africa”.

I can’t quite articulate why I am so enraged. But the image of Bush on a landing strip, surrounded by diplomats, heads of state and Beninois dancers only accelerates the impending assplossions.

Luckily I’ll be long gone by his arrival, en route to DC, far away from the Extravaganza of “Bush does Africa”. To all the Beninese: I am sorry for you and that you feel cheated. I am sorry your expectations were dashed and you feel deflated. But I can assure you this is no big loss; I hear he’s a bit of a cunt.

So judge me for not keeping secrets. Judge me for still being angry about a protocol 7 years later. But I just want to know one thing Bush, how was the Middle East last week?