soho is for dummies

another unsuccessful shopping experiencing in the land of soho.

here's the problem. first, we're broke. so we're left with only a few options in terms of retail nirvana. ok, backup. 

twink puppet and i (fatty (bo batty)) were to meet the analyst somewhere in the neighborhood of the south houston region of manhattan. as the analyst made friendly with a boy called "san fran" (not to be confused with "san diego," which is how he had originally referred to him, confusing me ever so slightly). he ditched the puppet and me, so we meandered around, without any access to money, hungry, and beleaguered. and this is how our day went:

h&m - still the best gay underwear on the planet, and the worst fit for everything else on the body. thank you china for ruining my body image. and when did h&m become trendwear for non-gays? and by non-gays i mean black people. oversized skull and crossbone patterned timbaland-designed sweatshirts? honestly, i don't even have anything else to say about this place. 

club monaco - i'm so glad they don't bore the customer with colors. colors are for bob ross and his pbs "happy little bush" specials. this place has black and this place has white. ne'er a color 'tween, and i think it's perfect. this way you can buy the beauticious styles of chef-chic sweatshirts (in white) and the striped cardigo-hoodie blend (in black). 

daffy's - this store is fucking crap. TP tried to convince me that this store would change the way that i look at cheap clothes forever. and he wasn't kidding. entering with the maxim that this was "an upscale tj maxx," my face was quickly splashed with horrorshock. we're talking jc penny's on broadway. mortified. refusing to touch any of the disgusting garments on their filthy S/M/L consignment racks, i watched around, listening to the non-english speakers (and they were all non-english speakers) rummage through racks ode to "european designer" and clever signage expressing "UN-dressing room!" this gem of a salvation army dropoff must advertise solely in lonely planet new york, one of TPs guides-to-life during his (recent) tween years. i don't even believe in grades, and i'm going to grade this place anyway. F.

uniqlo - what the hell is thish words. seriously, how many ironic manga-inspired tshirts does one need? i actually tried shit on here. and i don't ever feel comfortable enough to do that. stripes are not meant for fat people, even when labeled "skinny" (especially when). oh uniqlo, go back to japan, and don't bother us no mo.

steve madden - nothing noteworthy, except that steve has decided to completely copy expensive designers who hand-laser their shoes with interesting lizard designs (blackstone) and replaced with carbon-copy images machine-lasered with lame non-lizard designs for a third the price. oh, and i called twink puppet "twink puppet" in front of a black person and he got red-faced. it was i think the day's highlight.

so we left, distraught at the days' lost, armored only with a cheap bottle of wine, some tj pierogies and two frown faces. moral of the story: soho on a saturday is for dummies.